Long story short.....back in 2015-2016 I lost custody of my daughters.
Cps showed up and I was drunk. Obliterated. I answered the door with Lucid on my hip and couldn't even stand straight.....the apartment looked the worst it had ever been....and i neglected the chores to focus on Lucid and Lilly and well bc James wasn't helping...
I'm not afraid to admit anymore when cps showed up i deserved to have the kids taken from me....it looked bad especially if you dont know my family.
I had to drug tests every other day, a 6 week alcohol class, and a 12 week parenting skills post.
Knowing all of this you'd think I had learned my lessson and taken this as a huge wakeup call....a real come to Jesus talk....
I'm not gonna lie and say I immediatly quit drinking...I missed my girls christmas and Lucids first steps
and instead of staying sober FOR the kids (also this was before i started getting drug tested) I washed away my grief with alcohol...
I remember calling my foster mom during that time...and in turn i learned alot about my mom...but this isnt about her....my foster mom taught me its okay to grieve just dont park in it and stay there....this advice has somehow gotten me through a hell of alot....
I did the work required to get the kids back....I paid over 200$ for the uber to go get them....(surge pricing for the win...not)
When the girls returned home i remained sober as i was still getting drug tested....but I honestly deep down wanted to give them a sober mother....a more present mother....a kinder mother...etc....
I decided to move back to MN bc of how was i treated in KY and aint no place like home. Duluth and I have a love hate relationship...
When I came home in Sept of 2016 I still didn't drink....
I didn't drink again until my therapist who has known me since i was 17 told me even after losing the kids she was confident i wasn't an alcoholic nor a neglectful mom.
This gave me a license so to speak I guess to start drinking again...at first it started with a hard drink at night until I got tipsy.....I made sure the girls didn't miss appts and they were fed and they had their needs met and my therapist basically in my head told me its ok to drink....
I didn't hit a rock bottom with my drinking and im being vulerable here.......I just drank in excess all the time and sometimes it did get in the way....
My loved ones i hold dear to my heart said they liked the sober me and they were sad when i was drunk i would later on forget our conversations....Or id end up getting hurt in some way....
I laughed at my own drinking habits especially hard last year bc the general consensus was its ok to drink no ones gonna judge you!
Something about this year feels deeply trans formative.
I decided to get sober during the last month of 2020 because i realized i have so many opportunities if i just get my mind right for them....
I plan on getting my CNA certificate and making something out of myself...im a bit nervous about it but i know being sober will only help me...
day 38 of sobriety and my appetite has done a 180....i was going to diet and start working out hardcore...and instead I listened to what my body wants...I bought some new clothes to fit my new body.....it really helped my self esteem.
Ever since i got sober I started doing makeup again... I started writing in my journal...and i self cared the fuck out of myself and still am....
my new habits esp today taught me something profound and something i need to work on and im almost excited to work on it....I've discovered i generally like the feeling of being messed up on something....I need to work on that...and figure out why...
Friendship is the cornerstone to my sobriety....and to the people who look up to me since getting sober thank you.
Oh and since quitting drinking...I feel so much more control over my emotions than I did before...It used to be an instant fight or flight response to heavy or hard emotions....And now im ready to face them....I haven't been struggling with anxiety either since i quit drinking....
I'm also less bloated and i have so much energy....
I've been drinking on and off since i was 18....and it makes me a bit sad to think i needed and used wine to deal with parenting...I didn't get serious about my mental health until a year ago really....
I know it takes alot of courage to face your demons and work on them and even being open about it...
I figure if i can help others I want to....Even if people are just silently watching me....
its been so uplifting and amazing receiving messages about my sobriety....
I want to esp help the sober curious people....
honestly there is so much to gain now that I've gotten sober....I want to learn new things do new things get out of the apartment more be more present with the kids....
Alot of my daily tasks used to have anxiety behind them and a deep loathing of my responsibilites....
I reframed my brain and decided to choose joy over my responsibilities bc im lucky to have a nice home a support system.
I now look at my life with so much hope and optimism...i finally feel like this is going to be my year if i stay on the straight and narrow.....
Also its been amazing to get the urge to drink and instead i distract myself and eat something sugary and journal about it.....
So incredibly healing....
If you are still reading this and want to be sober or are curious please feel free to message me....and it will stay between us <3
I saw a tiktok that said "you have to start romanticizing your life" I'm slowly doing that....Cooking creating being with friends....sharing my journey....because if we are being honest sobriety leaves so much room to grow and expand and to heal....
I know this blog is sober this sober that and a few also's
But I want to share my journey as vulnerable as it feels...
getting sober is a radical form of self love and sticking it to the patriarchy!
drinking might seem like an escape and it seems appropriate to lifes hardships at times....but being sober is the actual freedom and its just been waiting for us to come back to earth...
well thats it for now <3 be back soon!
