My mom. Part 1.

 This will be a possible 4-6 part blog about my mom as there is much to go into. And talk about. And I will need time in between posts to decompress from it all. So if you read this one and decide to wait for the other parts thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to know about my life and to respond. 

My mom was born in New York in 1965. She had 1 sister and 2 brothers. She was her moms last child. She was born at home on the stairs and delivered by her brother and sister. 

I don't remember the how and why but my mom ended up being split up from her brothers and she was placed into an adoptive family at a young age. She told me that her new parents were really abusive and when she finally got to see her mom as a teen her mom had had a nervous breakdown and wasn't the same anymore. She decided to run away from the adoptive home with her sister. And they went to their bio dads house in Oklahoma. Due to my moms privacy and it being her trauma I won't go all the way into it but horrible things happened and her dad went to prison and she was out on the streets on her own after that. 

She went on to meet a man who fathered her first two kids. Jerry and Patricia. And he put her through alot of trauma as well. She divorced him and took the kids back to New York to start over. She got a small one bedroom apartment she could barely afford and didn't get any help. 

She was really struggling to make ends meet for her first two kids. This is what she told me. And after I explain more of her stuff and her life you'll understand my hesitancy to believe anything she says. 

She called social services for help with her young children. She told me social services said the best option was to give her kids up for adoption if she couldn't afford to raise them. I guess the kids were picked up the next day and she went on about her life. I don't know when her substance abuse started exactly but I know in between the time she lost her first two kids and having me.  

She tried to get sober on and off and attended AA. 

That's where she met my bio dad. She got pregnant with me and he told her to get an abortion and gave her 600$ for it and she went back to Oklahoma instead and painted this big whole story about how he didn't want me and how she decided to keep me. 

I later found out from my grandma on my dad's side that was in no way true and they offered to help her keep me and she ran away instead and they didn't hear from her again until I was born. More on that later. 

She met my step-dad at a funeral and I guess they really hit it off bc they were married 3 days later and she went to Japan with him and had me there. He signed my birth certificate and my bio dad had no legal rights to me at all and no way to fight it as she kept me hidden from him all my life. 

My step-dad told me her substance abuse got really bad after she had me and he couldn't help her anymore. She got pregnant with my little brother and I guess he wouldn't let her get an abortion and she drank all throughout his pregnancy. 

I guess she was so drunk that she didn't care he was sexually abusing me from the time of 6 months old until I was 3. 

The story she always told me was she never knew he was abusing me and my step-dad says when they did DNA evidence she was seeing a man with the same blood type as him and that's what they got him on. Um ok. 

She went to court to testify against him and admitted this had been going on for a long time. He served 15 months in prison and during that time we were in foster care. 

Part 2 coming soon. 

my journey into sobriety

 Long story short.....back in 2015-2016 I lost custody of my daughters.

Cps showed up and I was drunk. Obliterated. I answered the door with Lucid on my hip and couldn't even stand straight.....the apartment looked the worst it had ever been....and i neglected the chores to focus on Lucid and Lilly and well bc James wasn't helping...

I'm not afraid to admit anymore when cps showed up i deserved to have the kids taken from me....it looked bad especially if you dont know my family.

I had to drug tests every other day, a 6 week alcohol class, and a 12 week parenting skills post.

Knowing all of this you'd think I had learned my lessson and taken this as a huge wakeup call....a real come to Jesus talk....

I'm not gonna lie and say I immediatly quit drinking...I missed my girls christmas and Lucids first steps

and instead of staying sober FOR the kids (also this was before i started getting drug tested) I washed away my grief with alcohol...

I remember calling my foster mom during that time...and in turn i learned alot about my mom...but this isnt about her....my foster mom taught me its okay to grieve just dont park in it and stay there....this advice has somehow gotten me through a hell of alot....

I did the work required to get the kids back....I paid over 200$ for the uber to go get them....(surge pricing for the win...not)

When the girls returned home i remained sober as i was still getting drug tested....but I honestly deep down wanted to give them a sober mother....a more present mother....a kinder mother...etc....

I decided to move back to MN bc of how was i treated in KY and aint no place like home. Duluth and I have a love hate relationship...

When I came home in Sept of 2016 I still didn't drink....

I didn't drink again until my therapist who has known me since i was 17 told me even after losing the kids she was confident i wasn't an alcoholic nor a neglectful mom.

This gave me a license so to speak I guess to start drinking again...at first it started with a hard drink at night until  I got tipsy.....I made sure the girls didn't miss appts and they were fed and they had their needs met and my therapist basically in my head told me its ok to drink....

I didn't hit a rock bottom with my drinking and im being vulerable here.......I just drank in excess all the time and sometimes it did get in the way....

My loved ones i hold dear to my heart said they liked the sober me and they were sad when i was drunk i would later on forget our conversations....Or id end up getting hurt in some way....

I laughed at my own drinking habits especially hard last year bc the general consensus was its ok to drink no ones gonna judge you! 

Something about this year feels deeply trans formative.

I decided to get sober during the last month of 2020 because i realized i have so many opportunities if i just get my mind right for them....

I plan on getting my CNA certificate and making something out of myself...im a bit nervous about it but i know being sober will only help me...

day 38 of sobriety and my appetite has done a 180....i was going to diet and start working out hardcore...and instead I listened to what my body wants...I bought some new clothes to fit my new body.....it really helped my self esteem.

Ever since i got sober I started doing makeup again... I started writing in my journal...and i self cared the fuck out of myself and still am....

my new habits esp today taught me something profound and something i need to work on and im almost excited to work on it....I've discovered i generally like the feeling of being messed up on something....I need to work on that...and figure out why...

Friendship is the cornerstone to my sobriety....and to the people who look up to me since getting sober thank you.

Oh and since quitting drinking...I feel so much more control over my emotions than I did before...It used to be an instant fight or flight response to heavy or hard emotions....And now im ready to face them....I haven't been struggling with anxiety either since i quit drinking....

I'm also less bloated and i have so much energy....

I've been drinking on and off since i was 18....and it makes me a bit sad to think i needed and used wine to deal with parenting...I didn't get serious about my mental health until a year ago really....

I know it takes alot of courage to face your demons and work on them and even being open about it...

I figure if i can help others I want to....Even if people are just silently watching me....

its been so uplifting and amazing receiving messages about my sobriety....

I want to esp help the sober curious people....

honestly there is so much to gain now that I've gotten sober....I want to learn new things do new things get out of the apartment more be more present with the kids....

Alot of my daily tasks used to have anxiety behind them and a deep loathing of my responsibilites....

I reframed my brain and decided to choose joy over my responsibilities bc im lucky to have a nice home a support system. 

I now look at my life with so much hope and optimism...i finally feel like this is going to be my year if i stay on the straight and narrow.....

Also its been amazing to get the urge to drink and instead i distract myself and eat something sugary and journal about it.....

So incredibly healing....

If you are still reading this and want to be sober or are curious please feel free to message me....and it will stay between us <3 

I saw a tiktok that said "you have to start romanticizing your life" I'm slowly doing that....Cooking creating being with friends....sharing my journey....because if we are being honest sobriety leaves so much room to grow and expand and to heal....

I know this blog is sober this sober that and a few also's

But I want to share my journey as vulnerable as it feels...

getting sober is a radical form of self love and sticking it to the patriarchy!

drinking might seem like an escape and it seems appropriate to lifes hardships at times....but being sober is the actual freedom and its just been waiting for us to come back to earth...

well thats it for now <3 be back soon!

all about Lilly!!!!

So since we've been in Missouri, Lilly has made remarkable progress in behavior and speech and play and everything really! I don't know if it was the move or I am being delusional...but the apartment we lived in before had so much...just negative energy..I was never happy...truly happy...I am kind of happy here..till the past week,...but this is a blog about Lilly not me..and She just seemed...so sad..all the time..and she was fidgety and anxious, and unwilling to cooperate with therapies we did, she was a picky eater, she didn't sleep well, she hated going anywhere, she hated playing with her toys, didn't like watching movies much freaked out at the park, she would freak out if someone sang a song for her or tried to play with her and I spent alot of time with her...maybe when we moved here she sensed things were alot better...we moved somewhere new where hey it was warmer for one, and two there was a whole bunch of new energy to soak in..and most of it's been good...for her at least
Since we've been here she can say
hi
mama
bye
bo bo
bee
tee
dee 
do
my
woah
oh
no
nuh uh
hey ya
hey guy
ooo ma 
yee
puppy 
baby
nana
nigh nigh
uh oh


She has said a few sentences such as "I want mama" and "I'm a baby"

so they are mostly babbles but they are words to her and she is stringing the babbles along together again like she was before she regressed really bad during the speech therapy and some are actually words!

She is also really caught up on motor skills now

She can peel a banana
She can put the sippy lid on her sippy
She can carry a gallon of milk to me without problems LOL
She can twist things open
She can open ziploc bags
She can brush her hair kinda
She can take her clothes off and put new ones on by herself
She can paint my nails with guidance lol
She can hang clothes on hangers all by herself
She can almost tie a half knot sometimes in things like necklaces lol
She knows how to use a fork and spoon now without making a huge mess

Other things she is doing

She is sleeping through the night most nights, although she does wake up for a sippy and I give her a little bit of water because hey I wake up bc I'm thirsty and I would hate to not be allowed a sip of water I hate waking up with a parched throat lol

She puts herself to bed now around 830 every night and brings her animals and tucks herself in and pulls me in for a big hug

She brings her dishes to the sink most days

She loves to help stir when I am cooking

She throws trash out when I am cleaning

She finally lets me wash and brush her hair

She brushes her teeth like all the time

She points to her body parts when we read together and I say a body part

She knows some colors

She doesn't have many tantrums, instead she points now and shows me just what she needs and does attempt to say what it is.

She does alot of pretend mommy play with her babies and tucks them for naps and changes their clothes or has me help

When we watch movies together if a scary part comes on or someone is in trouble she goes uh oh! And grabs her cheeks lol

She now has favorite dresses and knows how to match her clothes together

When she does have a tantrum she will go into another room to calm down all on her own

When we go somewhere and we walk she will either hold my hand or walk right with me and not run ahead or away from me anymore and she doesn't dawdle

She understands just about everything I say to her now I:E simple directions, questions, etc

She recongises pictures of herself and me and James and gets happy and says mama or baby lol..she also is obsessed with babies

And last but not least she is weaning well off the sippy cup we got her a princess cup and shes slowly learning not to make a mess and play in it!

still no luck on potty training...thats just gonna wait...

And this has all happened within literally 3 months :) I am really so proud she's come so far already :)

I am starting to wonder whether or not she is autistic because she definitely shows and has characteristics, but shes been improving so much!