Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to feel...the only thing I did wrong..was not communicate with my mother enough?
Is it wrong to feel like I was judged as a mother based on who my mom was?
Is it wrong to a victim?
Is it wrong to look at Lilly and know..I could have raised Connor?
Is it wrong I gave my mom a second chance?
Is it wrong I now don't like "rich people?"
Is it wrong to think money doesn't equal love?
Is it wrong to think that they did what they did because of what his dad to me and my mom tried getting justice for me?
Is it wrong to think he's not really being loved there...he's being used as a an awful reminder...
Is it wrong I didn't cooperate with law enforcement?
Is it wrong I didn't try harder?

Would it be wrong of me to try and get him back?

I don't think so..and I don't care what anyone says...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

For my son Connor. It is time I wrote this.

This is really long...but This is what happened to my son Connor.

I was 15 when my life started. I was a somewhat normal teenager. My mom let me use WebTV when I wasn't playing outside or going to the library or doing volunteer work. I never used to it meet anyone. It just kind of....happened...Sometimes I went into the chat rooms, but I didn't stay for long..It was just like a pocket of...oh wow here is this world I can talk to people and be almost anything I want to be...I decided to be myself...I told people I was 15 and a female, but I never told anyone where I lived...I met Chris in the Los Angeles chat room...why I was there I don't even remember. We casually started talking and he seemed really nice and funny so I gave him my email and we emailed each other for awhile and he told me he was 20. When I was 15 a person being 20 didn't seem like a big deal to me. It just seemed like a couple years off. This was in June about...after two weeks or so of emailing I gave him my phone number so we could talk more. After phone calls came the letters, he would write a letter almost every day detailing everything about his life. He seemed like a normal person and he showed great interest in me. And one day he told me he wanted to meet me. So I agreed. I didn't tell my mother about this boy, she never asked or wanted to know my business anymore so it didn't matter. I told him alot of things about my life and he still seemed interested and he asked me to be his girlfriend so I said yes. This was the first man who showed genuine interest in me and it wasn't to just get in my pants. 

We agreed to meet in August. He flew up to my state and got a hotel and I told my mom I was spending the night with friends...I realized a long time after a normal caring mom doesn't just let her daughter go spend the night with friends she didn't meet... Well Chris and I met anyways and she didn't bat an eyelash she didn't even know where I was and I didnt even have to call... It was great at the time and It was almost romantic. He bought me new clothes and jewelry and pretty much anything I wanted. We ate out for every meal and we took cabs instead of the bus everywhere. One night when we got back to the hotel (he would be staying for 4 days) He pulled out a digital camera he had gotten during our shopping earlier, and he had bought me some really expensive lingerie and he wanted to take pictures of me in them. So I said yes why not? I figured it was okay and he promised me the pictures would never end up online (and they never did) and he took many pictures of me, and directed me to pose proactively in them. I started to get he told me to go take a shower..When I was done showering I came out to dry off in the bathroom area, and there he was taking pictures of me drying off and starting to dress..He asked for a few nude pictures..I figured well..he bought me all this stuff. I have never had nice things like this. We went out to dinner that same night and he bought me even more clothes. When we returned to the hotel we had sex for the first time, even though it wasn't my first was was then I decided in my 15 year old brain I loved him. It didn't matter he was 20 about to turn 21. After all age was just a number right? We decided to go meet my mother. She was a bit taken back, so we lied about his age and said he was 18 and she believed us. She liked him and thought good of him and gave us her blessing to officially start dating. He had dinner delivered to our house, and my mom went to bed. That night he started crying because he had to leave the next day and we both felt the same way. He then he told me he loved me for the first time. The next day he went home. I didn't go to the airport with him, but watched him get in the cab and waved goodbye. I hated goodbyes.

Two days later. He was back at my doorstep. I was very surprised. He told me he wanted to live with me and he couldn't live without e anymore. I was taken aback and thought wow this is love. We asked my mom. And my mom said "yes you can live here, but you can't stay here." He was starting to run out of money and told me he didn't have enough to get an apartment. He told me he had quit his job and sold his car to come live with me. She made him go stay at the homeless shelter, but she had him sign up for food stamps and medical assistance and low income housing. After a month at the homeless shelter she gave in and let him live with us. He still had alot of money and bought us food and paid some of our bills and paid my mom money until he ran out. He got his housing about 2 months later, and she told me I could go spend the night with him so I did. I would be gone for weeks at a time without any question from her. It was then he got me my first cell phone and he got one too. By then I had started school at a school for kids with behavior and mental health issues. I didn't like that school and they pried into my business too much. I never told them about him really. One day when I got home my mom brought me to the women's clinic and told me it was time for me to be on birth control and I agreed. I did not want to get pregnant yet. Things were perfect he even got a job, and I essentially lived with him. I don't even remember going home...I slowly moved my things out without even a notice from my mom so I figured it was okay.

Then...his mother came up to see us. He forgot to tell us he didn't tell his mother where he was going, but I thought well why should he? He is an adult and 21 and a man of his own decisions. We forgot to tell my mom he was not 18..we figured it didn't matter. My mom called me on my cell phone and told me to meet her at the hotel Chris and I had met at. I felt funny, I knew something was wrong. I went there and she brought me to a room..a suite almost. And it was then I met his mom. They were both angry and worried at the same time that we had lied and he had not told her about me. Chris came later on after he got off work and was happy to see his mother. He told his mother everything about how he was doing well and taking care of us and she shouldn't worry..It wasn't that easy, I hadn't turned 16 yet so it was still kind of illegal, so my mom told me I needed to come and live at home since we both lied. I could tell she was unsettled and very upset. She then tried to be a more proactive mom. She told my school everything and told them I needed counseling. I never listened or paid attention. My school kept asking me if we were having sex, and I never told them..they told me if they  found out we were having sex he could get in trouble for it since I wasn't 16 yet. But it was only a month or so away till I turned 16. 

When I turned 16 we were elated we were happy...he then asked me to marry him and I said yes. It seemed like he wanted to marry me right away and we even had my mom take us to the courthouse to give her permission. She signed the form. I don't know why she did it so easily, but she did. The courthouse told us if we were to get married before I was 18 it had to be investigated. I think my mom knew this which is why she gave her consent. We had social workers at our house the week after asking him and I lots of questions about our relationship and why we wanted to get married...I think they knew best..they denied our request for a marriage license after an investigation. So we decided we would wait till I turned 18. Life went on as normal and I even got my first job at Mcdonalds. We were both doing really good. I never really noticed his clingy side..I thought it was normal, the constant phone calls and blowing up my phone If I didnt answer, the picking me up from school, and taking me there, the picking out my clothes for me, the going everywhere with me and even sitting at my work all day during my shift if he didn't work himself. He had no life he told me I was his life. And I thought that's what love was. My mom soon met a man during that time and they fell quickly in love...but they drank alot an awful lot. But that has always been normal for my mom and Chris was always there for me when she got drunk and called me names and emotionally abused me and he saw all of it..she would sometimes get physical tipping tables over and not letting me leave and her new boyfriend would give me orders and they would try to get me to give them my paychecks so I had them direct deposited into Chris'es bank account and lied about how much I made. I picked up extra shifts on the weekend because this new man of hers made her seem...abusive..they spent all of her child support money on alcohol and pot. My brother stopped coming home for home visits from his group home. I eventually started spending the night at Chris's new place because it was only a few blocks away and I didn't have to wait  long before she passed out and I could just sneak out and then take the city bus to school from his place. My school didn't even notice. I did try telling them once and they told me she was the adult and as long as I had food clothing and housing I didn't have anything to complain about. So I went on with my life. That summer my mom got married to her boyfriend. He started getting abusive to her after the wedding and it scared Chris and he wanted me with him all the time. I wasn't allowed to see my mom anymore. I started realising maybe this isn't healthy. I felt like I had gotten myself into this, but I didn't feel the need to get out. Until my mom started getting sober and cleaned up. She wanted me home again and her husband went to counseling and AA meetings and she seemed back to her normal self again. It was then Chris and I started fighting. My mom and her husband noticed him being clingy and told me it wasn't normal, I started realising they were right and I brought it up to Chris and thought him being so understanding he wouldn't take offense..he almost tried to forbid me to go back home and told me I had to live with him, and If I went home I'd be breaking up with him and he would die without me. I told him I wanted to go home.

That night is when our relationship ended. I packed up my things, and he blocked the door..I was for the first time scared..scared for my life. I tried calling my mom and he knocked the cell from my hands and grabbed my bags so I ran for the door and he pushed me down the stairs. I started crying and started to run, but he caught up to me and was begging and yelling that was sorry and he would make it right again. But I was done, I really felt it was time to go home I told him I did not want us to break up, but I did not want to live with him anymore. He ran out into the street and laid down and told me he would kill himself, I started screaming begging him to get up and we would go back into the apartment. It was night time then, but we went back into the apartment. I waited until he went to sleep and pretended I was asleep and I left. I left my things there. I didn't care. I didn't have my housekey, but luckily my mom was awake and she opened the door. I told her everything that happened, her and her husband immediately called the police and we filed a report since he had gotten physical with me. Her husband called him on his cell and told him if he knew what was best he would return home to his parents and that it was over between us. I felt safe finally..I felt like I had been..almost tricked for the past year..we had so many good memories together...we had love. I had love. I went on with my life back to normal, and he left the state for good. He left everything to me in his apartment. My mom and her husband and I made several trips and I got sad again. I got nostalgic...I thought maybe I had overreacted. I started having crying spells and feeling sick to my stomach. I was still on the patch so I didn't think anything of it. My mom started blaming herself for all of it saying she hadn't been doing her job as a mother. And we agreed to just move on and try to do better...for the first time since we had moved from Oklahoma we were bonding again. Chris and I started texting and emailing again. He continued paying for my phone so we could text.

My mom started asking me lots of questions about our relationship and I told her everything, I told her about the pictures and I showed them to her. She immediately got angry and the next thing I knew I was at the police station being interrogated. He had sent the pictures to me online which was against the law to even do that or to even have taken the pictures. They opened an investigation and my mom handed over all the letters we ever wrote each other where he talked about the sexual things we did when I was 15. He was looking at being in alot of trouble. I didn't want him to be in trouble so I decided to not cooperate. They told me what he had done was considered statutory rape and they told me that since he had sent the pictures to me and they were taken before I was 16 it was almost child pornography and he could be charged with possession and distributing it. They told Chris and they told him he was not to contact me and he was not to return to Minnesota and to not leave Louisiana. I didn't listen and continued to talk to him. I had so much guilt I carried...why did I tell my mom about that? She told me what he did was wrong and it was not my fault and needed to have consequences for it. 

It was in October I noticed something was off with my body. I looked at the calendar and realized I had gotten my period a week late, but it was lighter than normal. I stopped using the patch because Chris had left in August and I figured I was safe since I would not be sexually active at all. And I had stopped using it a few weeks after he left. I told Chris my period was late .I took a pregnancy test that night after work and the results came up immediately....

I was pregnant. I didn't know whether to cry or to be happy. I called my mom and told her. She got mad. I then realized it was on her birthday. I told her I was coming home and she told me don't bother. I think she was shocked. She knew the baby was Chris's. I had nowhere to go...I didn't really have friends. And one of my co workers I had went to school with briefly in the 8th grade came to the bus stop I went to and noticed me crying. I told her what happened...she let me stay with her, and her mom helped me get into a housing program for teen moms that had been kicked out. I got my ultrasound alone. I went through the pregnancy only with my mom really.... Chris didn't have much to say he sent me money and paid my phone, occasionally he would send me flowers. Chris and I reconciled and got back together. We planned on us re uniting when Connor was born. His family prepared him a lawyer and I refused to talk to investigators and I continued not cooperating. 

I gave birth in June to Connor after a hard labor with my mom by my side. She and I also reconciled and she had been sober and she helped me as much as she could. After he was born I decided to move back home even though she was now living in a different town. I had finished the 9th grade and graduated I missed my last day of school to give birth. When I had my son I knew my life was going to be okay. I held him and loved on him and co slept with him and took him on long walks and I felt like I was a good mom, I read stories to him, he cried alot in the beginning and I called his mother crying asking her what could I do and she told me to just hold him and walk him and bounce him. When I moved back in with my mom things got alot easier we lived with a friend, but we had our own room and social services okay'd me living with her and they were happy we were living together again. He was growing so fast and I started school again and she watched him during the day and he was a happy baby. We all slept in the same bed together and it was perfect. Everything was perfect. I was a mom now. The investigation had closed shortly after due to lack of cooperation on my end. They had the evidence, but decided to close it since I was not cooperating. We were so happy. Chris would finally get to meet his son...Soon after that they got silent..I didn't hear from them, they knew I was living with my mom at that point, they never said anything bad against it, Chris acted happy I was living with her.

He was 5 months old when all that ended.

I got him ready for the day and fed him breakfast as he was eating solids by then and put him in the car seat and I never had said goodbye before that day. But I did...I almost started crying..Something in the bottom of my stomach told me I might never see him again after that. I almost wanted to stay home..But my mom told me I was being silly so I went to school...For the entire day I had this worrisome feeling, I tried calling Chris and he didn't answer and neither did his mom. I texted my mom and she too got silent..I didn't know that soon after I had left, 

Barbara had helped Chris get awarded emergency custody of my son. I was called into the principals office and I was served with papers, and I didn't understand. They told me the courts had found I was endangering Connors life by living with my mom and letting her watch him while he was at school. I started crying and asked if I could say goodbye, but they told me they had already started leaving. I received a phone call shortly after from my mom freaking out and then from Chris that if I wanted to get him back I would see them in court. I was devastated. What did I do wrong? I stuck by his side through everything I was planning on letting him be a part of his life as soon as I was able. I went home to my crying mother and we held each other..we kept his clothes she wouldn't give the police anything. I was not allowed to say goodbye. They left. I did not know they weren't supposed to leave the state with him, and that they only had temporary custody. I cried for days and I wouldn't talk to Chris only his mother. She told me I was not fit to be a mom and that I was not ready, I tried defending my mom saying she was better now and she was a good grandma and that social services wouldnt've okayed me living with her if they didn't think it was safe. 

She told me I could come live with them If I really wanted to be a part of his life. I waited until after our first court date when they simply continued one got to say anything we were called into court only to continue the case, Barbara and Chris had come back and they had brought Connor, but I was not allowed to see him. I tried going to the hotel, but the front desk would not give me their room number. I stopped going to school...I ran the streets sometimes spending the night at peoples houses. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was a month before I turned 18 when I went down there and took up their offer. I got to see my son again on their terms. They wouldn't let me be a mother though. I wasn't allowed to bathe him, or change his diaper, or clothe him, or buy him anything, I wasn't allowed to take him on walks and I wasn't allowed to sleep in the same room as him. I got a job shortly after I moved there. Chris and I got a place together and I thought we would get him back together.

A few days after I turned 18 we got married at the justice of the peace. His mom even got me a dress. I didn't realize until later I had custody of him again by being married to Chris. Barbara and Chris took me to their lawyers office one day shortly after we married and they explained to me that they would like to keep custody of Connor for Chris and I to get back on our feet and when they saw that we were we would get him back without any hassle. I was elated. I was happy. She told me I needed to sign papers for temporary Custody and If I didn't they wouldn't be able to have insurance I asked her If we could just take him home and she said absolutely not and looked in my eyes and promised me it was just for a while longer and we were almost there. So I signed the papers...I believed it was only temporary and didn't have a lawyer, but I trusted them. I took up a second job after that so we could get a bigger place and his mom soon let me be more of a mother she let me spend the days I had off there, but he was never allowed at our apartment. I thought we were doing good. We weren't on any gov't assistance and we had extra money and I started buying him things he would need. She came over one day without him and approved of the apartment and everything I had done to prepare, but she didn't think I was ready. She told me I had been extremely un greatful for what they had already done for him and that it was a slap in the face and they had done me a favor saving him from my mom and me as well. 

Chris and I started fighting alot and he admitted he didn't want to be a father and that it was best Connor stay with his mom. Things started getting violent again and I told my dad, but he told me since I was married it was time to suck it up and go to marriage counseling and that I should just be happy I was near my son again. Chris started getting mad I had more money than him by working second jobs. He started trying to keep me from going to work sometimes. He would take my shoes and my keys and my phone and the landline and my bike to work with him. He thought I would have no way to work. He also had taken my purse and wallet and all the money and my work uniforms. I went to the job closest to me and told my manager about what he did. She was happy I showed up anyways. I walked there with no shoes just my regular clothes. I lost my first job since it was too far and he didn't want to take me. But my manager got me a new work uniform and new shoes and I opted to get paper checks again so he couldn't keep my money. He got really upset at this and eventually just locked me out if I came home and wasn't there..I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to piss him off. A neighbor befriended me and I told her everything and she told me he was abusive. She confronted him outside and told him I was allowed inside my apartment since I was on the lease. He hit me in front of her and pushed her on the ground, but he eventually let me back in and her and I never talked again. I lost my second job, my manager even came by to try and bring me to work, but I was tired of pissing him off. He was the boss. 

One day I went to check the mail and I got a copy of the papers we signed. It turned out to be permanent custody papers.

Permanent and sole and physical legal custody. 

I confronted Chris and he said If I didn't like It I could leave. So I called the police and I was brought to a woman's shelter. I told them everything and they told me my best bet was to ask my manager for my job back and try to get my own place. I looked at low income housing waiting lists and it was at least a year long. I called legal aid to try and see what I could do and they told me I would need my own place and adequate income to support him to even try and get him back. I told them I was lied to and they said they were sorry, but I needed to do those things first. I called every landlord every apartment ad and had severe trouble getting somewhere to live even with my job back. I saw no way out. I couldnt stay at the shelter forever and I couldn't even get a place to live, everyone wanted a co signer, or for me to make 3 times the apartment rent and the cheapest apartments I could find were one bedrooms and they were at least 800 dollars. There was no way I could make that much and my manager only let me work 40 hours. I looked for second jobs again, but couldn't find any. Barbara then decided I was not allowed to see Connor again and told me If I was going to fight for him back I would not win. My dad contacted my Grandmother who told me it was time to come live with her. We would try to contact my tribe and get him back that way. So I went to live with her. I hated leaving I tried so hard, but it wasn't enough and legal aid wouldn't even help me and I didn't know what else to do. 

I went to go live with my grandma and we contacted my tribe, but no one ever got back to us, we wrote letters too, and they told us since he hadn't been enrolled in the tribe before I lost custody they couldn't help me...I figured I was screwed. I went back home to Minnesota and lived with friends and got my own place. I tried to keep in contact with Connor, but my number had been blocked. I tried emailing and texting, but no answer. I got my own place after awhile and I had gotten a good job. I called from a different phone number...and they had changed their phone number. I tried looking it up and paying money to get the new one to no avail. I decided to go back to legal aid, but they said since it was in Louisiana I would need to get legal aid down there. I called legal aid down there and told them I had gotten my own place, but then they told me since I lived in Minnesota I wouldn't qualify since I was no longer a resident of Louisiana. I didn't know what to do..I couldn't afford a lawyer, maybe I didn't try hard enough, but I tried as hard as I knew I was able. 

I got pregnant with my daughter in 2008 and while I was pregnant they contacted me again and gave me their phone number and I was allowed to talk to him very briefly. He had been diagnosed with Autism since then and she told me I would never have a chance of getting him back especially since I was pregnant I had my new baby to care for. She accused me of getting pregnant to replace my son. I hung up the phone and started crying..He was 3 when she was born..

I tried calling them back to tell them she had been born and I sent pictures of Lilly to their house. Again they had changed their phone number and my pictures were sent back to me. Anything I have ever sent him or wrote him has either been sent back or they have said they did not get it. They contacted me again hen Lilly was 6 months old and they finally allowed me to visit again. But it was brief and tried to bribe me to give up my rights...I didn't know I had already lost them. They told the courts I had not contacted them for 6 months and they did not know where I lived and no one made any attempt to try and contact me about it. I got to see my son and he kept asking to come home with us. He wanted to help his baby sister. Barbara got mad and she didn't let me see him the last day I was there. The 3 days that I was there I only got to see him maybe twice for an hour. At least I had that.

I returned home and a few months later she had sent me court documents that he would be legally adopted soon and they did not need my signature since I had lost my parental rights. There was an option to sign though and there was an option to sign and appeal the adoption...But I would have to show up in court...I didn't have that kind of money...I was so numb..I cried for days and I laid on my couch..sobbing...It was almost like...he was gone forever. I held Lilly an awful lot and didn't let anyone come by. I stopped talking to friends. I stopped sharing details of our life. I didn't want anyone trying to take her. I didn't know what to do since I had tried everything. I never recieved an official copy of them adopting him, but Chris had called me to brag he happily signed and he would still be allowed to see Connor as he pleased and wanted. To this day of 2013 since this happened in 2009, I have only been allowed to talk to him maybe once a month every couple of months. They block my phone number, they send me one or two pictures a year. I have had to write apology letters for what my mother did to Chris and I have had to tell Barbara I am thankful before I am allowed to get my one phone call every couple of months. I have bent as backwards as I can to still be a part of his life. Every time we talk she will cry and swear up and down he knows I am his mother and I will always be a part of his life, but she tells him I am busy with my new life and that I call when I can because she doesn't think he needs to know the whole backstory. She told him I was not ready to be a mom and I willingly gave him to her and I wanted her to be his new mommy and that because I loved him so much I did this for him. I am going to try and see him for his birthday this year. I don't know if I will be able to, but at least I tried.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Have you ever curled up on the floor crying..and you said..I wanna go home...but youB were already home...that's how I felt in Minnesota...I had my own apartment...I had everything I ever wanted..I had my friends, my daughter, my clothes, the grocery store next door, my little home...but it...wasn't I met James...I knew..he was my everything I had ever been missing and I know this will sound corny...but I just knew....I knew I was going to leave everything I had known for 10 years...I would take my daughter with me...I gave up mostly everything, but her toys and some of my clothes and our documents we needed to start over...I was scared..yeah I was scared...but I knew this was what we needed...since I have been here I have not regretted anything..we get into fights and he pisses me off sometimes and I miss my friends...But I finally feel like I am somewhere where I am supposed to be..Lilly is so much happier too...Sometimes I wake up and I expect all this to a sick dream..but it's's my new's something I am still getting used to, but I am so happy we did this...I do miss my friends and the taste of Minnesota water...but that's it lol..I have never met someone so passionate and forgiving and caring as James is...we are still learning how to groove together, but I am okay with that...I am finally happy..I can wake up in the morning and not have that sludge on my soul that eats at me..and reminds me I am unhappy..I am finally happy :)

Friday, May 3, 2013

Handwashing cloth diapers...again

Sorry for the raw layout and not any pics yet I'm new to this so anyways!!!

If you are a cloth diapering mama I'm sure you just think it's the BEES KNEES..I mean it's GREAT for the environment and once you get a good stash going it saves you A TON of money right? RIIIGHHHT?okay well here's what I don't like that no one talks about...If you aren't lucky enough to have your own washer and do you wash them? ohhhhhh HANDWASH your mama probably did!! This sucks before I moved out from Minnesota I had a dishwasher which made it EASY...but I have Bucket and plunger...ack..we can't afford to go down to the washer and dryer every day and we can't afford more just yet to lessen the washing load it's kinda sucky...we are switching in between disposables and cloth...PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT WHY LILLY ISN'T POTTY TRAINED heres' my method of handwashing to make things easier...we only have about 6 right now and on a GOOD day..she only uses 3 so I only have to do the handwashing every other day...which isn't too bad I guess...So when she is done with one diaper I immediately do this process..
1.Soak them in light vinegar (Thanks Whitney :D) and water solution
2. Get off Facebook
3. Plunge them for about 5 minutes then turn on the shower and rinse them for about 10 minutes
4. fill the bucket with water and a WEEEE bit of laundry detergent NOT and then I plunge them again
5. Then I dump them into the bathtub and scrub them for about 20 minutes (I like her diapers clean!
6. Then I rinse...DONE DONE DONE DONE
Then I go on Facebook and post a bunch of stuff YAYYYY I'M DONE